Dear Reader
Earlier in my career, I was managing a project where a vendor’s performance kept slipping. After watching the issues unfold, I realized the real problem was the vendor’s project lead. I gave them several chances to course correct, but nothing changed. So I escalated the issue to the area leader.
The leader, however, brushed off my concerns. From their point of view, there was no problem. I could tell my words were not landing.
That changed in a single meeting.
During a discussion with both of them present, the project lead suddenly came unglued, raising his voice, pointing fingers, and blaming me for everything. As this unfolded, I noticed the look of terror on the area leader’s face. He was seeing with his own eyes what I had been trying to explain.
When the outburst ran out of energy, I calmly suggested that we reconvene when there was space for a constructive conversation. The area leader apologized profusely. By the very next day, the project lead was removed.
That experience left a deep impression on me. Telling had not worked. Showing did.
What Have I Been Learning?
Lately I have been reminded of this lesson in a very different way, through being a dad. My daughter is just one year old, yet she already absorbs everything around her. She does not just listen to my words, she feels my tone, my energy, and my reactions. She is a sponge trying to learn how to be a person.
It has taught me how powerful modeling is compared to telling. I can explain how I want her to behave, but what truly matters is how I behave in front of her. When I am patient, calm, and kind, she mirrors that. When I slip up and let frustration show, she notices that too.
Leadership works the same way. Whether in a family or in a team, others learn more from what we model than from what we say.
What Am I Reading?
This lesson resonates with ideas from Edgar Schein’s work on organizational culture. He emphasized that culture is not defined by what leaders say, but by what they consistently do and demonstrate. People watch actions. They measure tone, reactions, and behaviors. Telling alone rarely changes minds.
Closing Insight
If you find yourself telling and retelling with no progress, ask yourself: how can I show? How can I make the reality visible so that others can experience it directly? When you shift from telling to showing, you stop pushing against resistance and start letting the evidence speak for itself.
Until next time,
Kursten