The Perverse Gap
The Hidden Cost of Leaders Who Say One Thing and Do Another
The Perverse Gap Between What Leaders Say and How They Show Up
Dear Reader
A while back, I worked on a major transformational change project with a client. It spanned multiple organizations, departments, and teams. It was the kind of work that shows you what leadership really looks like when the pressure hits.
The project was complex and exhausting. There was staff turnover, rising stress, and working groups that struggled to stay engaged. The leads were smart but inexperienced. When things got difficult, they avoided the one thing that would have made the difference. Ownership.
Instead, they deflected.
You would hear it in the little comments.
“You are so good at this. Why don’t you chair the meeting?”
“I do not know how to use that software. I cannot do that part.”
It all came to a head during the third working session with one of the groups. It fell apart. The technology failed. People checked out. Emotions were raw. I advised the sponsor that this was the moment to breathe. Let the emotions settle. Loosen the grip. Give the team space to process and find their footing again.
But instead of stepping back, the sponsor pushed down harder on the controls. The lead snapped. She unloaded months of blame onto the project manager. Complaints that had never been spoken before spilled out in front of everyone.
“There is no work plan.”
“The PM does not know what they are doing.”
“We should have done this like that other project.”
The irony was that this project had done everything the other had done and more. The real issue was ownership. The lead refused to own it. She blamed. She deflected. And she took even more control. In the next working group meeting, which also went poorly, she doubled down. More detailed agendas. Tighter grip. More control over everyone in the room.
It reminds me of Eastern Air Lines Flight 401. It was December 1972. The plane was on final approach to Miami International Airport at night. The landing gear indicator light did not come on. The captain and his crew became so focused on that little light bulb that they did not notice the autopilot had been nudged and disconnected. The plane slowly lost altitude. No one noticed. In the cockpit, the flight engineer and first officer tried to bring the captain’s attention back to the altimeter but he stayed locked on the landing gear light.
They circled for more than twenty minutes. Fuel burned away. The plane drifted lower and lower until it crashed into the Florida Everglades. More than one hundred people died. The captain survived but never recovered from the guilt and shame of that night. He ended his own life a few years later.
The lesson still haunts me. They had everything they needed to land safely. The real danger was not the small problem but the loss of perspective. Control narrowed. Fear took over. The voices in the cockpit were ignored.
I see that same pattern in so many teams and leaders. They fixate on the wrong problem. They refuse to listen. They are on descent, careening into a neighborhood they do not even see. About to crash.
What Have I Been Learning?
Lately, I have been spending a lot of time paying attention to emotional regulation. It is about understanding how my brain and emotions actually work. In any moment of discomfort, when you are faced with a decision, you make an emotional choice first. The threat and reward circuits fire. Then you rationalize it afterward.
This happens everywhere. Take writing my book. Sitting down to build out a chapter outline can feel uncomfortable. Maybe it feels too big. Maybe you feel exposed. So you avoid it. You get up to make another coffee or you scroll your phone. This is procrastination in its purest form. And it is destructive when it comes to achieving things that matter.
The only way through it is to lean into the discomfort. You plant your feet in front of the computer. You write for twenty minutes. You keep going even when it feels awkward. Before you know it, you have a manuscript. Then you are on to book number two. It is never about the task. It is always about the emotions driving you in the moment.
Where Have My Travels Taken Me?
Right now I am spending the summer at the lake in Canada. It is rural and quiet, about an hour from the nearest city. The wildlife moves right through the yard. Moose, elk, deer, rabbits, coyotes. They come and go as they please.
It is a good place to recharge but it is also a good place to see how nature handles the same lesson. Animals do not hide from discomfort. They do not pretend it is not there. A deer is always alert. A moose knows when to stand its ground. Everything is honest and direct. No pretending. No deflection. It is a reminder that true safety does not come from control or comfort. It comes from seeing what is real and facing it.
What Am I Reading?
I have been reading Reinventing Organizations by Frederic Laloux. One thing that strikes me is the difference between green and teal organizations. Many people think that a green culture is the goal. Be nice. Avoid conflict. Keep everything positive. But that is first order thinking.
True high performance lives in teal. It is not just about kindness. It is about wholeness and deep trust. That trust is tested through real conflict, disagreement, and hard conversations. You see how people show up when things get tough. You see if they are living the words they say or just faking it.
The best leaders I know hold a belief system that matches teal. They do not flinch when discomfort comes. They step into it. They know that what matters is not what they say but how they actually show up when the stakes are high.
Closing Insight
Every leader says they want ownership, trust, and collaboration. But when the threat shows up, what do they do? Do they stay with it? Or do they slip into deflection and control?
Our real work is to close that gap. See what is true. Stand in the discomfort. Choose the better path.
Until next time,
Kursten